1.1

01 It is really motherfucking exhausting to have asthma, gasping for air, so painful, especially when I try to take longer breaths. I can't lie down without my chest feeling like it's been weighed down by ten tonnes of steel, I can't cough without without my stomach feeling like it's been kicked at. Don't even want to begin with the ridiculous back pains. It wasn't this bad in the evening, I managed to smoke about 4 cigarettes without any difficulty. It got worse a little while ago. I was smoking & it felt like I was being submerged in water for too long. Damn you, useless lungs. Wonder why I finished the cigarette though, almost like slow death. Whatever, it's a hilarious situation. Feeling pain, hating pain. Not going to rely on a small piece of equipment just to breathe, I'm tougher than that!

02 Cruising in my dreams to the universe & beyond, & maybe I'll see you there

 Well, this isn't good. Only women bleed. 

'blind' in the darkness, over & over again, best song to sleep to, sigh, moandays, goodnight

need to get


a book on (c)
a copy of ag 07
a map (ref. purpose)
a few  extra rolls

a black
a sack
a stomp
a shield

etc etc, but, the map is very important , it will be my latest holyday project, to turn my entire ceiling into a map

should write these things down, or get sidetracked, or get cigarettes, lighting up burns holes in pockets, because, holes are turning up everywhere, holes in the head, holes are in your skin, environment, pushes me around, puts a gun to my head, slide, zap, press, defeated, totally defeated, defeated by self, you are an excuse

nth new these days, still an unhappy human bean, goosenights

i

cannot reveal, 1,03,38, 1,05,08, time, stretching it, s t r e t c h i n g it as far as possible, TKT? SDL? the long awaited interval arrives, irrelevance continues without interruption, now you see, you see, no, interval interruption, yes, you see, creatures of habit human beans the source of protein to this hunger the stirring in the loins power power procreate impossible human beans they are, tonight rediscover the reasons too many one two three hundreds five six thousands oh the revulsion the loathing breathless what is this speed this is too unfamiliar chasing chasing the anger out of vision only beauty in the bitterness, hark! rules! this monkey & its human bean, beige, three panels, two doors, dist., the lack of bravery exhibited, sudden burst, flare, overwhelming but i see you - cowardice you see me - stupidity h8 human beans,

how strange, that anger is so,  sexual


on a lighter note, tonight, Colossus : The Forbin Project (1970), still have no links to Les Maîtres du Temps (1982), good night,

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I  

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I  

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I  

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I  

A   M I L L I        A   M I L L I        A    M I L L I  


I  GOT  99  PROBLEMS  BUT  A  BITCH  AIN'T  ONE





Stressed.

Bitches need to check out www.myspace/WSOG, we've just recorded a couple.

Christiane f. wir kinder vom bahnhof zoo, memories, September. Had tonnes of issues with September. December too. Maybe the entire later half of the year. My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale, and mend it with you. Unhappiness by default. It's so easy. Stupid motherfuckers, goodnight. Should just be Agent 47.

Left knee cap's busted, giving me problems, left leg, paralyzed.

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I should be leaping across sand, rocks, rivers, jungles, or the outback, instead of daydreaming all the time. Well, one day, that's what I'll be doing. Together with my pet chimpanzee named Darwin, how original. Plus Peach, Berry, a golden retriever, Max, Simba, Garfield and any other animal that is capable of interacting in human language. Honestly, I am stuck in a place that is unstimulating. Although, I've always been sure that I am a city dweller. Why can't life be like the roles in The National Treasure or Harry Potter. Or Transformers. I wouldn't mind a Wrangler Autobot. We'll fight off the Decepticons after school hours. My parents would be owners of the Wonder Emporium and my eternal lover would be Edward (obviously). It will spark off a love triangle between me, Adelin & Edward. During my pastime, I'll jump off cliffs with the Quileute tribe in La Push.

But for now, I'm just an art student stuck in Queenstown. Goodnight.

I'm tired but I don't plan on giving up. The thing about procrastination, it doesn't really know how to leave when you want it to, it just keeps lingering and procrastinating its departure until you decide you'll procrastinate on asking procrastinate to leave. At the end of the day procrastinate stays and makes a multitude of babies in your body, nope, won't be coming out of you at the end of nine months.

I've got ninety-nine things to do. Lately, I have been imagining that my brain is slowly dissolving into a pulpy organ mush. Sooner or later it is going to disappear all together. My brain has been subjected to function only for trivial matters alone. I am having a tough time remembering facts and coming up with fresh ideas for my projects. Am I only to work with mechanical arms? I don't even have those. In short, I think I am suffering from a progressive mental deterioration. Oh fuck you, I am serious.

This Robert Hughes is getting on my nerves. I am not going to let Hugh's critique, those lampooning Hirst's works derail me from my course. Honestly I would go ape if I were Hirst himself. He said that he only painted five spot paintings himself because, "I couldn't be fucking arsed doing it". A *throws arms in the air* mazing.

sombresht.blogspot.com, for the fun of it, if you read

"i did alot of thinking about the sinless secular morality,

this optimism. this brilliantly lighted world .."

 

e. distance between two pts, life & death suede deluded me take the plunge god double-crossed me, (A) peace, solitude, music, sex, stm, ddf (B) peace, fear, both, a disturbing prospect, feel like, suede is deceiving me into, in two, like revolving around an axis,

thurs, skl, peeping tom & the wayward cloud, MBV, 3D, level 5 gore! naming my next baby axl, pure tackiness in a sex fruit punch, -300$, a5 monologue, trash reads, the rolling stones & ill ease, adventures in fort canning, suicide mission on steep slopping hill, useless booze, rain, burgers. fri, birthday girl, ice tea, cake, margaritas & poppers, E! with M. true to form, so customary, awaiting & gauging fear

(2057 hours)
home, in time for star wars: the clone wars, purchased books, ophelia & nine layers of sky, contacts are so dry

my pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

walking turpentine, all within reach reeks of turpentine. 2336 hours 55 seconds & there are no emotions recorded, miraculous, highly improbable, rain is not catalyst for emotions, yes, weariness is the primary cause of the detachment, none of the physical mental responses, yes, the absence of the unnecessary, the excessive, only the pitter-patter of the rain, the chill is attacking my bones, but it is tolerable, it is my lungs that are failing me

Deadmau5 & Shinichi Osawa/MasaToshi, unfortunately last night, all i got to see was the top of shinichi's head. before the night started, i conjured up a plan to go up to him & say, "shinichi, donchu remember? i wished you happy birthday, it's me, fangs?", but it did not happen, les voix sont atomiques, la musique, la musique, am still chanting this stupid song rigorously in the head right now, Tiga in march

to all who've tolerated me so far, this is standard procedure -
'everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my smell. as if i need any of that! as if you could outrun me! as if you could fight me off!'



this is my weekend -

i take a seat beside this stranger, i take no notice of him, for the first few minutes of the journey, i continue to fiddle with my ipod, i am frustrated, i have approximately 2000 songs in my first playlist, i am thinking of sorting out my files when i reach home, i still do not take notice of this stranger's presence, he suddenly fidgets, he hunches & takes a deep breath, this i notice, so familiar, just so familiar, i do not know who he resembles, i am reminded of someone, the atmosphere changes, immediate, overpowering sadness, he alights, three stops before me, i am confused, how am i alive?

not cool, not cool, drank fish pond water, ate leaf, queasy, sides of the head like walls closing in on me, if we stay the course, we are dead, we are all dead, chest aches too frequent, shitax, lemon yellow, cadmium yellow, cadmium orange hue, scarlet red, naphthol crimson, french ultramarine, cobalt blue, prussian blue, hooker's green, sap green, yellow ochre, burnt sienna, burnt umber, lamp black, titanium white, $$ went to the lady in red let's hear it for the boy, poor painter, realistic non-conceptual, /$ = /sch, i will eat need to hurl, cheated by the opposite of love bumpth bup bup, express appreciation to Lycan, evolution is approaching.

in 2k9, i will live, i will sing songs & celebrate humanity, i will embrace sunlight, & see gaia for what it is, i will go to school, i will pretend that i am enjoying myself, i will most probably lose concentration, i will continue to be irresponsible in most aspects, i will not put in any more effort than what is neccessary, or more than what i had given in 2k7/8, i will wish for a 3.5GPA, i will be late for school, i will be in denial, i will only succumb to sadness when darkness takes over, i will smile at people, i will join crowds, i will not curse people without proper consideration, i will continue to wear leggings, i will smoke with more vigor, i will anticipate death, i will not die, i will wish for God's forgiveness, i will feel stupid, i will have emotional outbursts, i will refrain from allowing people to understand my feelings, i will relive moments of 2k8, i will forget, i will not have emotional attachments, i will be fickle, i will learn to adapt to silence, i will try to detach myself from sound, slowly, i will have real feelings,

2k9, i am teling you, i want to be forever young, i want eternal youth so as to feel like the world is too big, too complex for me to understand, i want to have no responsiblities, i want to walk around feeling like it is the first time i am breathing your air, i want to feel like i am always having sex for the first time, i want to feel like i am special in your eyes, i want you to talk to me like we share secrets, you see, this is something i can only feel with youth in my hands,

2k9, i am telling you this because i know you understand me, you are also afraid of growing old because you know that you can stand still at any moment, and you are afraid that God will take you away, but it is okay, we are all going places, you feel me, i feel you, because we want to see light, you are surrounded by darkness, only inside you, you are psycwhyc, we are the same

feel good songs for the start of 2k9, classixx's cold act ill, fatboy slim's praise you & stardust's music sounds better with you

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